Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

Best table by far

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

I’m listening

awkward

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email