I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
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dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
me and my fake scenarios
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!