I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
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When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”