Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

@ candidates for local office

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.