I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
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One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Saturday
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
R.I.P.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
This classic never gets old . . .
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.