Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

You know I’m something of a chef myself

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness