Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him