Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.