I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
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ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Me My dog
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.