I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
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last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Saturday
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Bringing home a sharpie
