I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
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I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
#StillHurts
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.