I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
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Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Not all heroes wear capes.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything