Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Musicians.)

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

Tuesday

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

i love modern commerce

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.