I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
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I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
One venti cheeseburger please.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Just like pasta, it is better to bend people to your will with boiling water and a large wooden spoon than to break them in half.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.