I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
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me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Always a metermaid never a meter
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.