I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
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My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?