I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

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The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.


I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.


You got acute appendicitis ..

No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*


dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks


My 3yo said “hi old lady” to our 50 year old neighbour so at least I don’t have to worry about her stopping to talk to me anymore


They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.


RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?