Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
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Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Cons of being on The Walking Dead: Almost everyone you know is dead & the world is a desolate zombie wasteland
Pros: No more Adobe updates!
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I told my niece if I cut her open she would just be made of chicken quesadillas and she said if she cut me open I’d just be dead. Smart kid.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again