I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

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Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run


Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors


Cons of being on The Walking Dead: Almost everyone you know is dead & the world is a desolate zombie wasteland

Pros: No more Adobe updates!


[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out


Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.


I told my niece if I cut her open she would just be made of chicken quesadillas and she said if she cut me open I’d just be dead. Smart kid.


Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*


Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you


DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again