I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
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[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.