Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

My dad.

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.