I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
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morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.