I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
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1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Terribly Tuesday.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Ears are great for tucking your hair behind in the wind. Big shout out to ears.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.