Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

Jogging

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

ㅤ

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]