Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

scared to check what name she chose

Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.

Judge: That’s my job!

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol