I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
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There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David