I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
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People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.