Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”