Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full

Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty

Excel: The glass is the 1st of February

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.

Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

What’s so funny?

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.