Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care

$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.