Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
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M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
When you don’t understand how floors work
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
ready to be harvested
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side