“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
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Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
gentlemen, hear me out
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I’ll be mad as hell!
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.