I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
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The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Beards are a privilege, not a right
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving