I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
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When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
felt cute might bury dad later idk
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Can you solve the riddle??
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”