My husband and I have been in an open marriage for five years. I hope he’s ok with it when he finds out.
I call McDonald’s to make a reservation for Valentine’s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone
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Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I vacuumed up a giant spider, so now I just have to leave the hoover running for the rest of my life so it can’t get out again.
Good cop: WHAT ARE YOU DOING – HE WAS UNARMED
Dog cop: *plants a vacuum cleaner on body*
“You clean up nicely”, is just a polite way of saying, “You usually look like shit.”
Cell phones are like babies now … except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.
How old do I look?
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Her: What do you do?
Me: I drill for oil.
G: That sounds interesting.
M: No, it’s really…
H: Don’t do it, I’ll leave
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!