Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
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I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Damn what did I do next
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.