@Papa_Mex

I call McDonald’s to make a reservation for Valentine’s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone

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@OhhScarlet23

My husband and I have been in an open marriage for five years. I hope he’s ok with it when he finds out.

@Browtweaten

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

@RexHuppke

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

@GinAndJif

I vacuumed up a giant spider, so now I just have to leave the hoover running for the rest of my life so it can’t get out again.

@Sickayduh

Good cop: WHAT ARE YOU DOING – HE WAS UNARMED

Dog cop: *plants a vacuum cleaner on body*

@Cali_Kid_Mike

“You clean up nicely”, is just a polite way of saying, “You usually look like shit.”

@realHamOnWry

Cell phones are like babies now … except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.

@caliluvgirl77

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

@Playing_Dad

Her: What do you do?
Me: I drill for oil.
G: That sounds interesting.
M: No, it’s really…
H: Don’t do it, I’ll leave
M:…just boring

@Mom_Overboard

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!