I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
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Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Pretty much! 😂👀
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell