Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.