Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

This kid is going places

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.