I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
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I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me