I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
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Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
one week till the election
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.