I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
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A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
🙁
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
If a snake ate a cake
TRAIN’S HERE
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.