I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
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Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
That’s incredible! 👌
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
