I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
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It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo