I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
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Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
The old gods are rising again.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.