Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
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87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
ME: Can we call a timeout?
SURGEON: What no
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I’ll kill him
ELENA: He’s not!
PUTIN: (softly) u…s…
[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.