@Kendragarden

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

You Might Also Like

@SortaBad

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

@baronvonbike

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

@howe007

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

@chuuew

ME: Can we call a timeout?

SURGEON: What no

@pleatedjeans

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

@elizabeth_fels

PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I’ll kill him

ELENA: He’s not!

PUTIN: (softly) u…s…

[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!

@Donna_McCoy

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.