I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
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The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground