I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
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Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
BaD BoY!!
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip