Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.