I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
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DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I have written yet another poem about laundry