I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
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If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”