Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.

me: ask them who their CEO is

[Me using a ouija board]

-Where are you communicating from?

T A S M A N I A

-Oh shit we called the wrong devils

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

sigh

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂