I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
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Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Ovenable?
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?