I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
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Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Said the murderer.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video