I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
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How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
My blood type is b hungry.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)