I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Did my cat write this
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”