Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.