I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
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On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
#math
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?