I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they're set on shuffle.

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

Please pray for girls everywhere who are getting a “What’s up” text right now

Be strong. Don’t answer. Eat ice cream.

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

[Ouija board]
Spirits are you there?
U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K
*flips board*

that fuzzy feeling when he puts his arm around u for the first time and then his other arm and then his other arm then u realize HE A SPIDER

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

I may be 26, but I have the body of a 16 year old. Her parents are very upset. As are the police.

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