I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
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Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.