Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

Me (young, naive); I hope something good happens

Me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.