I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
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Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
How actors in movies eat their food
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother