I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.![]()
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me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges