Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

I love it

Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

can’t catch a break

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y