Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

we’re dead?

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

Never be a pizza!

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

British people

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.