I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
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Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Well, this is awkward
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Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
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Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?