Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

So true for me

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

TODAY

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

A Short Story.

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!