Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.