I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
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We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?