I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
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I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers