Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

synchronized noseblowing

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.