I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
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boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
💀🤣
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN