I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
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If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
no one likes gloating
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Doctors texting each other.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
One venti cheeseburger please.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.