I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
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Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.