I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
You Might Also Like
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
iPhone X
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you