I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
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If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.