I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
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“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
yall want some gasoline milk
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors